My [Bb]people rang me up a couple of [F]weeks ago
Yeah, I've got [Bb]people; and a phone; and a [F]grasp on the passage of [C]time
Yeah they [Bb]rang me up, said "[C]Tim, will you [Dm]go on [C]Ruth Jones [Dm]show
They [C]want you to sing a song, it'll be [Bb]fine, fine, [F]fine"
But the [Bb]problem with my particular u[F]vre,
Is that [Bb]half my songs are five minutes and ov[F]er.
And the [C]wisdom here at the BBC,
Is that [C]viewers switch off if you go past three,
And a [Bb]lot of my songs have a bit of bad [F]language,
Which [Bb]causes the viewers untold [F]anguish,
It seems their [C]tolerance for smuttiness is [Dm]reserved,
For [Bb]pussy puns on '[C]Are You Being [F]Served''.
And so I [F]need a song that only goes for three minutes,
With[C]out no bums or blasphemy in it,
A [Dm]lovely little song specifically written for the [Bb]delicate skin of [C]middle-class [F]Britain.
I [F]need a song with a chorus and a verse,
With [C]no nasty-ass cussin' and a-cursin',
And I'm a [Dm]little too lewd and a little too long,
I've gotta [Bb]find myself a [C]three-minute [F]song.
And they said, "[Bb]Remember boy that music is like [F]love-making
it's simply self-in[C]dulgent to take it past three [Dm]minutes.
Rem[Bb]ember boy that music is like [F]love-making,
Everybody loves a [C]pianist, but length must have a limit
So you [F]need a song that only goes for three minutes,
With[C]out no pornography or politics in it,
You're a [Dm]little verbose and a little bit wrong,
You've gotta [Bb]find yourself a clean, limit, [C]three-minute [F]song".
[F]Three-hundred beats at a hundred beats-per-minute,
With [C]nice clean jokes and a hoedown in it,
[Dm]Something for the telly that never, ever fails,
To [Bb]appease the viewers of [C]BBC [F]Wales.
And even in the [Dm]bridge I won't be [Bb]lyrically [F]adventurous,
intel[Bb]lectually un[F]mention-ous, or [C]racially contentious,
And I [Dm]won't make double entendres at the [Bb]expense of the [F]Chinese,
For [C]China is a country that can [C7]bring me to my knees.
[Bb]For China, For China, [F]Vagina, Vagina,
Va[C]gina is a cunt-ry that will [C7]bring us to our knees.
N.[C] .
Ooh, Mr. Humphries, my pussy is all wet! (Fake laugh) Two
Three
Fore-skin
I [F]need a little happy-clappy country song,
[C]Nice and repetitive and not too long,
[Dm]Boring enough, but not too boring,
With a [Bb]key change here to [C]prevent me [D]snoring.
I [G]need a song that is only three minutes,
Wit[D]hout no buggery or blasphemy in it,
[Em]Something with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm,
Well, [C]if you can't beat 'em, get [D]conservative with 'em.
[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]
[G] - [D] - [Em] - [C] [D]
Oh-oh, I [G]need a song that causes no offense,
To [D]flog more tickets to my concerts,
By conv[Em]incing the viewer that musical satire,
[C]Hasn't progressed since Victor Borge,
[Em]You've got a telly and [C]I want to be in it,
But ap[D]parently you'll only watch for three [G]minutes.
Yeah, [C]apparently you'll only [D]watch for three?[G] ?
Yeah, I've got [Bb]people; and a phone; and a [F]grasp on the passage of [C]time
Yeah they [Bb]rang me up, said "[C]Tim, will you [Dm]go on [C]Ruth Jones [Dm]show
They [C]want you to sing a song, it'll be [Bb]fine, fine, [F]fine"
But the [Bb]problem with my particular u[F]vre,
Is that [Bb]half my songs are five minutes and ov[F]er.
And the [C]wisdom here at the BBC,
Is that [C]viewers switch off if you go past three,
And a [Bb]lot of my songs have a bit of bad [F]language,
Which [Bb]causes the viewers untold [F]anguish,
It seems their [C]tolerance for smuttiness is [Dm]reserved,
For [Bb]pussy puns on '[C]Are You Being [F]Served''.
And so I [F]need a song that only goes for three minutes,
With[C]out no bums or blasphemy in it,
A [Dm]lovely little song specifically written for the [Bb]delicate skin of [C]middle-class [F]Britain.
I [F]need a song with a chorus and a verse,
With [C]no nasty-ass cussin' and a-cursin',
And I'm a [Dm]little too lewd and a little too long,
I've gotta [Bb]find myself a [C]three-minute [F]song.
And they said, "[Bb]Remember boy that music is like [F]love-making
it's simply self-in[C]dulgent to take it past three [Dm]minutes.
Rem[Bb]ember boy that music is like [F]love-making,
Everybody loves a [C]pianist, but length must have a limit
So you [F]need a song that only goes for three minutes,
With[C]out no pornography or politics in it,
You're a [Dm]little verbose and a little bit wrong,
You've gotta [Bb]find yourself a clean, limit, [C]three-minute [F]song".
[F]Three-hundred beats at a hundred beats-per-minute,
With [C]nice clean jokes and a hoedown in it,
[Dm]Something for the telly that never, ever fails,
To [Bb]appease the viewers of [C]BBC [F]Wales.
And even in the [Dm]bridge I won't be [Bb]lyrically [F]adventurous,
intel[Bb]lectually un[F]mention-ous, or [C]racially contentious,
And I [Dm]won't make double entendres at the [Bb]expense of the [F]Chinese,
For [C]China is a country that can [C7]bring me to my knees.
[Bb]For China, For China, [F]Vagina, Vagina,
Va[C]gina is a cunt-ry that will [C7]bring us to our knees.
N.[C] .
Ooh, Mr. Humphries, my pussy is all wet! (Fake laugh) Two
Three
Fore-skin
I [F]need a little happy-clappy country song,
[C]Nice and repetitive and not too long,
[Dm]Boring enough, but not too boring,
With a [Bb]key change here to [C]prevent me [D]snoring.
I [G]need a song that is only three minutes,
Wit[D]hout no buggery or blasphemy in it,
[Em]Something with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm,
Well, [C]if you can't beat 'em, get [D]conservative with 'em.
[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]
[G] - [D] - [Em] - [C] [D]
Oh-oh, I [G]need a song that causes no offense,
To [D]flog more tickets to my concerts,
By conv[Em]incing the viewer that musical satire,
[C]Hasn't progressed since Victor Borge,
[Em]You've got a telly and [C]I want to be in it,
But ap[D]parently you'll only watch for three [G]minutes.
Yeah, [C]apparently you'll only [D]watch for three?[G] ?
Used chords
More of Tim Minchin